I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

by Angie Nussey

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1.
All Your Courage - Lyrics Music and words by Angie Nussey Have you ever said something? A strike of ammunition comes flying out of your mouth without your permission? Did you ever act out? Or lose control? Do the wrong thing? Or so you were told? Have you ever wondered If it all amounts to something? Perhaps your blunder is triggering some intuition? Did you ever notice just as your falling a new path is calling. It's calling... And it takes all your courage to move one step more. But you’re the one who lit the match, threw it down on kerosene. Little did you know that bridge would burn like you’ve never seen. Board by board. ‘Till you realize: this is just what you’ve been waiting for. Did you ever feel wrong? So wrong you couldn’t stand it? And as you make a change it disappears as if you planned it? Does your life unfold like you’re watching a movie? With every painful scene a different kind of beauty. Have you felt the torment of resistance? When everything you didn’t want breathes into existence. Have you ever noticed that moment in the darkness when your fear is at its worst? Your breaking… And it takes all your courage to move one step more. But you’re the one who lit the match, threw it down on kerosene. Little did you know that bridge would burn like you’ve never seen. Board by board. ‘Till you realize: this is just what you’ve been waiting for. Just what you’ve been waiting for. Just what you’ve been waiting for. Just what you’ve been waiting for. But you’re the one who lit the match, threw it down on kerosene. Little did you know that bridge would burn like you’ve never seen. Board by board. ‘Till you realize: this is just what you’ve been waiting for. Just what you’ve been waiting for. Just what you’ve been waiting for. Just what you’ve been waiting for.
2.
Forgotten Names Words and music by Angie Nussey In my weak times, I try to fill my ego with the memory of soaring like an eagle, but the truth was I was standing on the runway tying photos to my hands. When it came down to strength and perseverance, I had that, it never gave me clearance to live right and understand the demons I was fighting for so long. I used to race towards it like it was a trophy. Thought if I could hold it in my hand then all the world would see. But that’s not me. Not anymore. My heart can’t find the value in a system of rewards. That’s not me. It never was. I can’t find that inspiration in a world I have to judge. I used to want to be some kind of achiever. So I could throw it in the face of all the non-believers. Step by step I’d put each one of them to shame, but I’ve forgotten all their names. It’s a strange world. We walk around waiting for the one time we can stop complaining about all those small misunderstandings that lay heavy with each day. So we seek out any peaceful moment to cling to. It doesn’t seem to pay rent and we smile through. As long as we can stand it we can carry on this way. I used to think that all the small shows were beneath me. Thought if I could make it to that stage then all the world would see. But that’s not me. Not anymore. That chip upon my shoulder is now resting on the floor. That’s not me. It never was. I don’t have to wear a badge to say I’m worth that kind of love. I used to want to be some kind of achiever. So I could throw it in the face of all the non-believers. Step by step I’d put each one of them to shame, but I’ve forgotten all their names. I’ve forgotten all their names. And the only ones that remain…. Are the loved ones, the ones who stand by when I’m broken, who never leave a promise unspoken, who love me just the same when I’m up and when I’m down. They trust me to do what’s always best and I’m lucky to hold them to my chest and I can see now, they only wanted me to feel happy with my life. I used to think I’d always have to stand alone. Never realized how close I was to home. But that’s not me, not anymore. I have seen all that I should have and I know it to my core. That’s not me. It never was. I am finding my way back into a deeper kind of love. I used to want to be some kind of achiever. So I could throw it in the face of all the non-believers. Step by step I’d put each one of them to shame, but I’ve forgotten all their names.
3.
We Sang American Pie - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey I remember the smiles on our faces when we had discovered our choices would soon be our own. Laughing and hoping for romance and flavour we looked at our lives and thought we were full grown. And we sang La Isla Bonita. The old cassette player would blast out the music. How fast the moment went by in that youthful and daring, trouble-free time in our lives. We met again later deep in the city with dreams and adventure, amusement to spare. We found an apartment, three of us girls and we ate our perogies while watching old Seinfeld shows. We sang “He Ain’t Heavy.” I remember the day we discovered what it really meant. How fast the moments go by in those desperate, delicate, beautiful times in our lives. We blinked and then somehow, decades have passed. We watched one another write songs of our own. Still, there are times when we sit by the fire and talk about how we have more time to grow. We sang American Pie though the ending’s confusing we still could relate to it. How fast the moments go by in those busy and precious, hard to find times…. We sang “No sugar tonight” we’d divide up the ending so all parts were covered. We sang “Tupac” and “Love Shack” not one of us could wrap but all of us would try. We sang “I Like Big Butts” and we’d dance in the kitchen and laugh at each other. We Sang “Take Me Out” as we put on our make-up and tell all our secrets we sang. Oh we sang, we sang and we sang! Oh, we sang...we sang! We sang “Me and Bobby McGee” at 2 in the morning on Anderson Drive. We sang “Walk This Way” and “Twice as Hard.” We sang “Karma Police,” “No woman No Cry,” no woman no cry! We sang. We sang and we sang. 205bpm
4.
Child of the Jungle - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey She carries water in a bag on the train. Scattered eyes ‘cuz you know she’s insane. Tries to speak but her language remains and she mumbles…she mumbles. I turn my head and she looks in my eyes. I look back and to my surprise. I see I child who once carried a smile and I see her I see her. Oh, she was beautiful, beautiful…a child of the jungle Oh, she was beautiful, beautiful…a child of the jungle She wears a jacket once worn by a man long sleeves over chapped little hands. I try to soothe her but she misunderstands and I scare her, I scare her. A few people move away from their seat. They can’t stand the awful smell of the street. She knows fully and she keeps it discreet but, I notice, I notice. Oh, she was beautiful, beautiful…a child of the jungle x 2 (rap) We see the colours of the people from so many places in the corners of the street and in the subway stations. Scrounging for a quarter from the parking meters or a little bit of popcorn from the old school theatres. How do we not see how we got to this place? How a child from the jungle ends up falling from grace? We have a lot to learn in this human race but if you’re looking for answers just look at her face…. Oh, she was beautiful, beautiful…a child of the jungle Oh, she was beautiful, beautiful…a child of the jungle
5.
03:53
New to you - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove... I could be good for somebody like you. I’ve spent most of my time trying to lose... the demons that constantly fight for untruth. We’ve come so far. We beat the odds. We beat the odds. But nothing comes… without a cost. Without a cost. You’ve become so new to me. You’ve become so new. You’ve become so new to me. Can I be new to you? Can I be new to you? We spend most of our lives building up walls, always protecting what’s precious inside. Then we carefully bare what seems like it all, but no matter what there’s still something we hide. We’ve come so far. We beat the odds. We beat the odds. But nothing comes… without a cost. Without a cost. You’ve become so new to me. You’ve become so new. You’ve become so new to me. Can I be new to you? Can I be new to you? You’ve a few more grey hair on your head. You’ve a few more wrinkles by your eyes. I see it everywhere we go… people always look at you and smile. Your heart, it fills a room. I love to stand by you. You have become so new. You have become so new. You’ve become so new to me. You’ve become so new. You’ve become so new to me. Can I be new to you? Can I be new to you?
6.
04:09
Joan of Arc - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey It seems we’ve all begun to notice. We’re all standing in a line. Just a step before the precipice. Waiting for the first to dive. We don’t need to find a leader. We don’t need a Joan of Arc. Tonight, we speak from the heart. We’ve been searching all directions for answers we will never have. Fighting left and right reflections searching for the flag to grab. We don’t need to watch each other. We don’t need a Joan of Arc. Tonight we live by the heart. Let it ring out loud in sweet harmony. As this all falls down let’s find within ourselves…peace We have spent our quick reactions on all the precious ones we love. Then eased the guilt with our distractions a breath of calm but just enough. We don't need a war within us. We don't need a Joan of Arc. Tonight, we learn from the heart. Let it ring out loud in sweet harmony. As this all falls down Let’s find within ourselves…peace It seems in all our foolish wisdom We’ve left a couple things behind. But don’t you worry we will fetch them. All good returning in its time. We don’t need to search for answers. We don’t need a Joan of Arc. Tonight let’s be led by the heart. 180bpm
7.
Tell Me a Story - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey Tell me a story I know it’s hiding in you. It’s just a story… a single version of truth. Tell me a story, I know you’re scared someone will see. That you’re imperfect, you’re not the crystal image of king. It’s not like you can tell me anything I’ve not heard before. It’s just a story, not who you are or what you’re worth. I see through this…it’s breaking you inside you know. Tell me your story let me help you carry this load. You think you’re solid but you’re walking ‘round a loaded gun. ‘Cause what’s inside has been eating you for so long. It’s just a story…can be misconstrued by anyone Tell it to me, it can’t be worse than what I’ve done. Don’t let a story dictate how you’re going to live your life. You have a purpose here, you’re not just meant to survive. You have a story, it fills you with regret and shame. Tell me your story let me help you through this pain. Tell me a story, I won’t be taken aback. I won’t make judgment on what you do, who you are, what you lack. It’s just a story, but it holds you in a tight fist. You must know deep inside there’s more to you than just this. It’s a story, but it plays to you in real time. It’s a story, no worse or better than mine. It’s a story, a version of what happened before. Tell me your story, you don’t have to be alone anymore. You don’t have to be alone anymore. You don’t have to be alone anymore.
8.
She Does What She Wants - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey Some people ask if I have babies on the mind. At 40 I shouldn’t be taking my time. They tell me how they had their first at 22 and there’s no more important job I’ll ever do. And I thank them in kind for their good advice. Promise to talk to my partner tonight. Walk away feeling like a debutant. In the end, I’m gonna do what I want. She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants You can call me selfish you can call me naïve. You can tell me all the reasons I’ll never succeed. Up until now, I just chose to believe everybody had the answers except for me. And so I choose not to argue or taunt. I just smile and nod and then do what I want. She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants Sure it doesn’t always work to my advantage. Some bosses like to micromanage. But as soon as they leave, I just get the job done. Doing it…they way that I want. She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants Some say I shouldn’t write my silly hip-hop rap. They say “come on Ang, you’re better than that”. And shouldn’t you be thinking how you’re gonna retire? Buck and admit your career has expired. And I thank them in kind for their advice on art. Hold my tongue to make ‘em look smart. Completely agree I have no money to flaunt. Then I head to the mic and do what I want. She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants As I get older I’ve come to depend on everybody’s advice being great for them. But I’m one of a kind. Personalized. I’ve got my own set of values, truths, and lies. And I can listen as long and as hard as I can to someone else’s version of my master plan. I’ll smile and nod from here to Vermont. But trust me on this: I’m gonna do what I want. She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants She does what she wants
9.
05:03
Count Me Out - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey For quite a while now, I’ve been living this life. Hanging around watching my friends die. Thinking about fate, finding it odd. Questioning why we’re existing at all There’s some kind of spell we’ve been cast under, this craving for more leaves no space to wonder. This lifestyle I’ve chosen has filled me with doubt So I raise up my hand and say: Count me out. You see that fear inside my eyes Count me out. Well it’s time to say goodbye Count me out. I don’t care who’s wrong or right Just go on without me, I’m sure you have doubts, I won’t judge, I won’t stop you, but Count me out. I’m not over the hill. I’m not under it either. I stand at the crux like an underachiever. I’ve watched myself shine Gloat and then crawl And realized none of it matters at all. I somehow bought in, to what seemed universal living this life like it’s just a rehearsal. Then one straw, two straws, three straws of doubt till I raised up my hands and said: Count me out You see this game I’m trying to win? Count me out. Well it’s time for it to end Count me out. I won’t buy those lies again. What I once thought was normal is now crazy to me and I will not get down on my knees, you can count me out. Maybe you’ll catch me a little time later, I’ll be a smiling old lady in a broken-down trailer. Pickling up cucs, and laughing with friends. This new story starts where that old story ends. Count me out. Oh these rules are overdone Count me out. We’re not foolin’ anyone Count me out. You see that fear inside my eyes. Well it’s time to say goodbye Count me out. Count me out. Count me out. Ohhhh Count me out. Count me out.
10.
03:52
Worth It - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey Sometimes it feels like we can’t rise again. When all we need is comfort from a good friend. Sometimes it seems there is no space for us. And then we can’t remember what we’re made of. And as we grow we see the calm and turbulence. We realize some things are better from a distance. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the meaning. And rise above the weight of what you’re feeling. I wanna feel good. I wanna feel perfect in every way. I wanna look in the mirror and say: I am still worth it. I am still worth it. I wanna feel strong. Learn to forgive all I’ve done wrong. Know there’s a place I still belong. ‘Cause I am so worth it. I am so worth it. Sometimes we’re left with only pieces of a broken road And then it feels like we are lost and only growing old. We take precautions and prepare for what we can. It’s hard to move when we don’t know the plan. And even if we find peace for a moment. The winds can change and we will wonder where it all went. We all adjust and readjust to how it’s moving. Life isn’t always the adventure of our choosing. I wanna feel good. I wanna feel perfect in every way. I wanna look in the mirror and say: I am still worth it. I am still worth it. I wanna feel strong. Learn to forgive all I’ve done wrong. Know there’s a place I still belong. ‘Cause I am so worth it. I am so worth it. I wanna laugh like there’s no way I could stop. Like all the pain I felt inside is gone. I wanna sing like I have a voice in the air I wanna dance like no one’s there. I wanna feel good. I wanna feel perfect in every way. I wanna look in the mirror and say: I am still worth it. I am still worth it. I wanna feel strong. Learn to forgive all I’ve done wrong. Know there’s a place I still belong. ‘Cause I am so worth it. I am so worth it. I wanna feel good.
11.
Against All Odds - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey I didn't know her very well. It was my mother who would crank her up while driving in the car to Manitoulin. And as I listened from the sidelines I decided all her magic was reserved for only people from the east coast. But my mother would describe how she told stories of the miners how my grandpa had survived although his lungs were filled with slivers. And the voice that told the stories somehow made it all more bearable. Memories of the past now filled with love... Against all odds. And so it happened some time later I was driving in Mom's car. Rita's tape had gotten stuck inside the player and although I could've switched it to the radio, I decided just to listen to the angel voice I'd heard so long ago. And when it came to workin' man I felt a pressure in my chest. I pulled into a station just to listen to the rest and then I cried... at the willingness of someone to survive... Against all odds. When I think of what a legend is, I see a woman on a stage. An angel voice surviving in this age. Against all odds. (Rita's MacNeil’s song lyrics) It's a workin' man I am and I've been down underground. And I swear to god if I ever see the sun. Or for any length of time I can hold it in my mind. I never again will go down underground.
12.
03:28
Former Me - Lyrics Words and music by Angie Nussey I will not be the face of anger today. I will not be disgraced by what some others say. I will not hang my shoulders and walk like a failure. Nor puff out my chest and laugh like a sailor. I will stand in this stairwell until I’m reminded that all of us in here are not so divided. I will not let my pride make this all wrong. I will not be defined by a voice or a song. I will not make a ruling on what they ought to see. I will not be the former me. I did not come this far to fall off the wagon. I will not let my scars feed this addiction. I can laugh at this moment… I know it’s a test. We all carry love. We all do our best. I will stand in this stairwell until I’m reminded that all of us in here are not so divided. And when I cross that room, I’ll stay in my light. I will not let my gloom follow this time. I will look in their eyes…allow them to see. I will not be the former me. We are all dancers here and sometimes we step on toes. It’s in these small collisions where compassion grows. And in this stairwell I have yet another chance To open up my heart and own this circumstance. I will not be the face of anger today. I will not be disgraced by what some others say. I will look in their eyes, allow them to see. I will not be the former me.
13.
Joan of Arc - Lyrics Words and Music by Angie Nussey It seems we’ve all begun to notice. We’re all standing in a line. Just a step before the precipice. Waiting for the first to dive. We don’t need to find a leader. We don’t need a Joan of Arc. Tonight, we speak from the heart. We’ve been searching all directions For answers we will never have. Fighting left and right reflections. Reaching for the flag to grab. We don’t need to watch each other. We don’t need a Joan of Arc. Tonight, we live by the heart. Let it ring out loud in sweet harmony. As this all falls down let’s find within ourselves…peace It seems in all our foolish wisdom We’ve left a couple things behind. But don’t you worry we will fetch them. All good returning in all time. We don’t need to search for answers. We don’t need a Joan of Arc. Tonight let’s be led by the heart.

about

Released May 1st, 2020

credits

released May 1, 2020

All songs written, produced, and performed/engineered
by Angie Nussey except:

Brian Lahaie:
drums and percussion (tracks 4,10,)

Nate Douglas:
acoustic and electric guitar (tracks 3,4,5,6,9,13)

Jamie Sherman:
classical guitar (tracks 7,11)

Sacha Law:
back-up vocals (tracks 3,6,8,9,13)

Tamica Herod and Gina Horsewood:
back-up vocals (tracks 3,8,9,10)

Virgil Scott:
back-up vocals (tracks 3,6,8,9)

darlenYa:
back-up and vocals (tracks 3,4(rap),6,13)

Pascale Leblanc
back-up vocals (tracks 6,8,13)

Lise Leblanc, Penny Tremblay
back-up vocals (track 8)

Jocelyne Lésperance:
back-up vocals (track 10)

Lindsay Leslie:
back-up vocals (track 3)

Carl Rabinowitz
back-up vocals (track 13)

Chris Kaplinski
production ideas (track 4)

Recorded at Hope Cafe Studio - Orillia, Ontario
Except drums and percussion on tracks 4, 10 - recorded at Studio B by Brian Lahaie - Toronto, Ontario
Mastered by Graemme Brown at Zen Mastering
Cover design by Adam Dagenais at Effigy Design
Manufactured by Indiepool Canada
Copyright 2020 - Hope Café Records

Thanks to:
My friends and family.
The incredible musicians who performed on this album.
The leaders who bring live music into their venues, homes, festivals, cafes, farms, conferences, or otherwise.
The many people who've supported this album either by attending live music events, purchasing CDs, buying digitally, or simply sending words of encouragement.
Ray Dillard, your friendship and mentorship have been invaluable to this album.
Brian Lahaie, you are loved, missed, and remembered.
Quentin Evans, the quiet, steady wind beneath my wings. Love you always.

Somehow this music ended up in your precious ears. Thank you for listening!

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Angie Nussey Orillia, Ontario

Angie Nussey is a Canadian Singer / Songwriter and winner of Best Country Song (Warm Hands) in the Great American Song Contest.

Her latest release, "Still Hope" is her sixth, full length album. She has toured extensively for over 13 years and has sharing the stage with a number of famous and infamous people.

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